Adulthood menu and the voice of mom

I finished all my sleeping pills today.

Also I canceled my subscription of cellphone. It was too expensive, and I didn’t need any of the service. But still, I had to answer every interrogative questions like ‘but it seemed that you need the internet because you used them a lot’, or ‘but canceling later benefits you more’…somehow it was a stressful battle between you and the telecommunicative sales. You had to argue and reason about why you didn’t need the internet, or even the cell phone anymore.

You once felt settled down because now you have a subscribed cellphone number instead of a prepaid card — — that’s surely a sign of you finally settling down in a place.In ten years it is the first time you’re having a fixed phone number. You never really understand how come people can have their numbers for 20 years unchanged. Maybe that’s a sign of a nomad person. Canceling it makes you feel bad. But you also have to reconcile with the economics.

You felt exhausted and paid the canceling fee. You felt freed but even more restless.

You went back home and felt like you needed to do something else.

You tried yoga. It didn’t work out. You wanted to go to movies but you thought of the books you ordered today — — next time, today you spent enough money.

As you were scrolling through your cell phones, you felt desperately lonely. You needed to talk to a dear friend but they are all abroad, you accidentally dialed to someone who’s now in Vancouver in the timezone of 4 am— — the whole day you didn’t talk to anyone, even when you went to the bookstore, there were no books that interested you.

You felt bored. You studied how to use git. You cooked vegetarian meals for yourself. You designed the menu for the long awaited dinner on 1st December.

The menu consisted of 3 dishes — — entree, main meal, and dessert. The “turning adult menu” is actually quite serious, it is heavy. Being adult takes a lot of courage, and you sometimes just want to fly away from the earth. So the entree is a rescuing boat made of avocado — — that the nourishing food can take you somewhere peaceful, like Barcelona.

The main dish is Ratatouille, with pumpkin. Remember the pumpkin cargo from Cinderella? Quick, Quick! Jump into the cargo and become that shiny person you’ve always wanted to become ! Better late than never!

The last dish is called winced migrated salmon risotto. We’ve all traveled far and wide, and yet we still didn’t know where to settle down. And everytime when we get back to our birthplace, at least me, felt overwhelmed and outsiders.

It’s okay. I guess salmons are even braver. Even they migrate back taking the risk of being hunted by bears. That was the idea of this salmon risotto.

Right, now back to my emotional chaos.

You felt like you desperately needed to see someone, anyone can do. Just some normal and friendly conversations.

And then you heard your mom’s voice downstairs discussing something with your dad. She represented EVERYTHING that makes you anxiety — -her high-pitched voice, her financial insecurity that penetrated through space and time. OMG, I had to leave. I cannot stand staying in the same building with her. And her never-in-control emotions. You didn’t want to see her, because brutallly these are the traits that you inherited accurately from.

You freaked out and grabbed your bike and went out. You grabbed a geek book and though of concentrating on it.

You suddenly recalled that it was the reason you excelled at physics and english. Both required great concentration, and also a great excuse of staying away from family chaos.

The same trick worked after 20 years. You opened the book, with the backgroud jazz music, you relapsed into the chair, and the barista kept a distant smile, you though maybe for taiwanese standard you were wearing too sexy, topless.

But okay whatever, I am just gonna smash my git command.

So you read and read and read. Until a friend called. You couldn’t call back because your prepaid card didn’t have that function.

So you rushed home and called her with the landline.

For the first time in this week, you were joyously talking in French, your mother tongue. With a genuinely friend who’s paying attention to you. You miss her, you know she has her emotional chaos as well. But it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.

You thanked her. And decided that tomorrow you’re absolutely not betraying your desire to go to bookstores and go to good cinemas, and even make a healthy mediteranan salad for yourself. You just need a retreat.

You love yourself so much, but sometimes when there are unexpected obstacles in your life, like your mom, things would go out of control. And you’re learning to become an expert of the uncertainties.