All things End

I just felt broken hearted hearing this song. I don’t know who to talk to about this, but Hozier digs a big black hole in my heart.

That hole has long embedded in me since young, I just never knew how the solitude and loneliness came from. Sinc very very young, maybe since kindergarten, I felt lonely and disoriented from time to time. And that loneliness grew bigger and bigger as I fumbled through my teenage years. The way I went out of my black dark solitude was, and is, by grabbing a book or movie, read them until the early morning.

You asked what I read or watched? Oh, everything. Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Romantic, Literature, Science. To just comfort myself — — when we begin again, we’ll do it right. When I went through my years in Taiwan, France and Germany again, things would turn out right.

This song digged so deep into my heart. I called John, asking how is he this week. I felt very weak. And that I maybe needed someone.

“Oh, you finally came to the point of wanting to fall in love,” said him.

“Right, I surrender. I think I do need someone in my life to be my companion. To just get rid of that big black hole in my heart.”

Memories kept hunting on me. After watching the movie “la nuit du 12”, I dreamt of myself cohabiting with a classmate from graduate school, who had a crush on me and confessed to me with a message after he left Germany to Quebec for PhD.

In my dream, I tried to reciprocate him by forcing myself to date him— — -that sense of guilt, of not being able to reciprocate someone, comes from the fact that I was told I wasn’t worthy of being loved. By my biological parents.

And we went to an orchestra performance in a grande hall, I was wearing a gown, but felt so anxious about when to tell him that I coulnd’t stand it, that I needed to be with myself. That I was not able to fall for him. That I were sorry. I felt very anxious.

And then I woke up, feeling so sad and so ridiculous. I agreed to partner with someone just because I felt lonely. And I had to leave the relationship because I coulnd’t feel myself falling in love. All in all, I couln’dt stand myself.

Ahora ou nunca — — -Now or never. Either I do something with my loneliness now, or I bear with it for the rest of my life. Either way, I’ve been with my loneliness for almost 30 years. And maybe, just maybe, it’s ought to be a phenomena instead of a problem. That loneliness is what drives me to migrate from lands to lands, places to places, domains to domains, to find my peace of mind. It might be a life-long process. And baby girl, you can try to live with it. That big black hole, that loneliness.