Behind the scenes

Nicole Krauss wrote a book called “The Great House,” which influenced me even to this day.

She started writing with “Dear Court,” and then continued with whatever the protagonists had to confess.

I have my confessions too.

I was overwhelmed by the city traffic, I was overwhelmed by my almost-absent supervisor’s call to attention. I was overwhelmed by job interviews, I was overwhelmed by dating people on a dating app, I was overwhelmed by colleagues’ patronage, I was overwhelmed by how to properly reject attending a good friend’s wedding. I was overwhelmed by my overwhelming.

I was so afraid.

I cried. And yes, I did ask myself, would I ever be able to find my next love as well? Jan left, and thereafter, I haven’t encountered anyone who pursued me so actively and made my heart sing out loud so gayly.

I haven’t had a good time simply being at the moment.

我已經好久沒有處在當下了。愉悅地。

做什麼事都不對，時間不對，地點不對，人不對。這麼多的錯誤累積下來，我經過了玉石俱焚的自毀式憤怒，自暴自棄大哭的憤怒 — — — 為了在三小時內產出一個應付面試的作品集。但是你忘記了，你對自己的要求是除了完美，沒有其他可能。你忘記你其實已經盡力做得很好了。

你已經對工作不期不待。你的supervisor在幾天後回答你的問題時，你都已經找到答案了。但也因此，你直接和美國開發者直接通信，你覺得鬆了一口氣 — — — 現在，你把戰場轉回自己可以自己控制了，你拿回工作主導權。Supervisor偶然問進度，你便嚇得心跳加快，不知道該怎麼回。而你又深怕別人看出你一無是處。父親說，被裁員，那就再找工作就好了。

你心裡想，呃，你踏過那麼多地方才找到一份忍得住的工作。相較於其他在台灣的工作，這已經是你能想像最好的工作了。

你每天到公司時總是很累很累，花上五個小時做自己的事，剩下的時間你已經熟悉非常，花上兩個半小時足矣，並且避免和同事說話 — — — 你投歐洲履歷，練習荷蘭文，看個體經濟學，讀美國在職碩班，做瑜伽與核心運動，做翻譯作品集，也許就是為了有一天回到歐洲生活。但你下班後也累壞了。

而你上週終於得到面試機會 — — — 三張入場卷。但是你那特意凌晨三點起床，三點半工作的作息，幾乎把你壓垮。你並沒有太多時間是精神抖擻的，官方說法是吃安眠藥，你自己心裡卻很清楚 — — — 你的心裡沒有在跳動的期待。那裡一無所有。