Book Review — Confession of a forty-something fuck up (四十我就廢)

When I read books that is not regarding environmental protection, science, social science, linguistices……I feel guilty. But I was too much in need of a relaxing book, to soothe myself, that I started reading this fiction. And yes, reading itself is already a healing process from my overloading yet still self-questioning life. So I sit in a cafe, with my coffee, I finished it quietly in 3 hours.

The author is British, and yet the wordings and styles are very American — — -there’s never a character that is quiet and each thread has its beginning and happy ending. As if the book itself is a play, not really a fiction.

Nell is over forty, and she not only broke up with her ex-boyfriend but also went bankrupt, moved back to UK, and had to integrate with her old friends. This echoed with me, because I am in this awkward period for already 3 years. It seems people are moving forward, and yet I am not.

She made a list for new year resolution, wishing that it’ll all happen — — — partner, career, and something else that I forgot.

Mine is probably the same, but in reverse order — — — career, and partner.

We all hear people say, “If the right person comes, he or she comes. It not, it’s not destined.” I guess this doesnt’ help much for those in love lost.

For career, she started little by picking up writing articles,and moved to a house co-habiting with her landlord, a married man called Edward that works in London on week days, in order to save money. At that point, I felt — — ok, this is the guy she’ll end up with.

She wanted to find someone so badly that she started online-dating, me too.

They all ended up badly. Mines too.

The only one that went well was with a later-approved dandy. Mine too.

What aches my heart is that, when we look afar, maybe the one is just someone standing not far from us all these years, and waiting for us to notice.

When she was ghosted by the hot “Johnny,” she cried to the extent that her landlord took her to the bar to drink on the house, listened to her stories, and even put a bucket to vomit next to her bed.

When I read this paragraph, I couldn’t help but think of this flatmate that took me to the doctor, and made sure that I could communicate fluently with the doctor, and asked if he needed to translate for me. He was so handsome, a medical student and a part-time Calvin Klein model.

And then they went back home, still fighting over electricity bills and plastic bags.

The second time, she was taking Edward home because he was on detention during a traffic accident fight.

That’s when she wondered how he’d appear in London during the weekend instead of at compaign with his family.

He had to admit that he has separated from his wife for a long time. And his wife was proposing a divorce.

“Oh.”

One day, Nell’s father was having heart attack and almost dead, she screamed went back to her parents’ place, and explaining to Edward that her father is dying.

When she and her mom were waiting in the hospital overnight, and doctors were persuading them to go home, she saw Edward, who apparently just arrived with car.

“Did I tell you the hospital?”

“Yes, you told me when you were on the train.”

If I were Nell, I would have already fallen for Edward when he asked me to the bar and put the bucket next to my bed.

But for her, that was when Nell realized the existence of Edward, someone reliable and never leaves you, even though he or she could be very annoying sometimes. Oh! She has loved him for quite a while.

And she wondered, “Isn’t he dating someone?”

But anyways, dad is recovered. Her family invited Edward home.

On New Year’s Eve, she invited Edward for her friends’ gathering, her friends were all very relentless.

“So tell me Edward, are you not married?”

“No, I am divorced, almost.”

“Then you must be dating someone.”

“No, I am not.”

“But Nell told me you were. “

“Oh, I wasn’t her type, nor was she my type.” Everyone felt embarrassed, especially Nell.

That night, they finally confessed to each other. And Edward said, “Yes, I think I fell for you when you appeared in my kitchen for the first time.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“If I said so, would you still rent the place?”

“Oh, probably not.”

As a reader, I felt comfortable and rest assured. That Edward is someone I spot straightforwardly the right one. And I can feel, I will meet my Edward too. He might not be pleasant all the time, but he is calming and supportive and honest.