Dear Bettina

I would attribute my issues to my bipolar syndrome. But maybe I should grow up, and say that whatever makes me ills is all my decision.

I am …….I don’t know. I guess I am hinging on the verge of leaving, but there’s no place for me to go.

The city/residence I am living in, is very cold and noisy, which makes my old wounds getting worse, either physical(Rheumatism) or mental ones. The environment is so wet and cold, that sometimes I could only wrap myself in bedsheets and write. And I barely could stand the weather here.

I guess that is why I take sick leave more and more often — — — at first I feel guilty, but I realize I really need a break. A break from colleagues, work, and chatty landlord. This heaviness also reflects on my gaining weight.

So when I ponder on what can lighten my mood, there is deep conversation with friends(which doensn’t happen often), inspirational art works, or finish the todo-list and dreaming on go to Europe. Neither of them appear often enough to make me happy.

As a matter of fact, I tried to seek out help: register in pole dancing courses that commence next week( it brings back the great memories in Barcelona), a fastive camp(to detox the medication in my body, because I take 12 different pills per day) for 7 days in Chinese New Year, and a Carneige sales course in March — — — this is something I thougt one day if I am going to run my own business, sales is a skill that I must master.

Lastly, there is a mechanic Stasy and a sentimental Stasy. Originally, it is the sentimental Stasy that orders Stasy’s life, because writing and feeling is so important. But as Stasy grows up, the mechanic Stasy dominates and finishes to-do-list efficiently like a robot. So the mechanic Stasy is what people call “normal.” When the sentimental Stasy comes out, she has to write, and to express, and to be surreal. So as to survive.

When it comes to job, finding a job in EU, conversation with colleagues, I always feel lost. The mechanical Stasy can rule out the potential issues and fix it. But as I grow elder and do my best to survive, I find out that mechanical Stasy is no longer useful.

For example, people always say “ to adapt to the environment,” and I deeply believe that if it’s an environment that I don’t like, then there’s no need to adapt. And also, the mechanical Stasy doesn’t understand why even if she tries so hard for years, she coulnd’t get back to EU. Or, even if there is a legal paper stating flexible working time, there is still colleague sarcastically making fun of her hours and force her to work “in normal hours.”

These are absolutely the things I would encounter in the next job, but sometimes I forgot about what to believe.