How am I doing?

Hi Ari,

I feel blessed to receive your message. And this is a letter telling a story about choices of a girl at 30. Me.

First things first, don’t be sad or sorry for not accomodating me. That wasn’t your choice! Simply had the chance to know you 7 years ago, was already a great luck in my life.

I am doing better and better. I never think I am doing OK, I don’t know why.

Meeting you again in your hometown was such a beautiful time.Incredibly beautiful. I always felt at home in your home country. That sense of liberation radiated out, and my Taiwanese psychiatrist told me that “I became someone else after returning from Barcelona.”

After returning to Taiwan from Barcelona in 2021, I kept trying so hard to go back to “settle down” in Europe by looking for jobs on LinkedIn. I gave up in the end and joined a professional bootcamp to turn my career around to software development.

I was afraid to talk to my old school mates — — — who are so successful in their lives. So I had a hard time finding my new comfort zone and friends. So I wrote and painted for myself. Art makes me calm and liberated, to keep the noise off my head — — — the idea of “settling down”, finding a stable job, finding someone, buying a house….all echoed in me. Of course I want to, but my life trajectory made me realize a stable life wasn’t an option for me.

At the same time, my mental strength has grown better. I was very stressed out by my financial conditions — — — the money I saved in Switzerland was running out, and I haven’t found a job. And I was trying to do something to avoid another Stasy from going through my work situation in Switzerland. That almost led to an international law suit, which led me to dig deeper into my trauma of being raped by a classmate.

So I wrote to my German University and the person’s French University, specifying how things happened. In the end, my letter was delivered by the University’s president to the “successful” person. He is successful, doing his MBA at 26. I guess he would also have a beautiful family as well. Thinking of this, I don’t believe in the so-called success that much anymore. And the stone on my heart fell off. No resentment anymore. I did all what I could do. But during the process, I met an incredibly biased lawyer that made me doubt the justice of the world. She told me that “system is system, it’s not like if you want to change it, you will make it.”

So I painted and painted, and applied for jobs in EU every day, hoping that one day I’d get back with a good job offer.

That didn’t happen.

So I started applying for jobs in Taiwan. At the same time, I had my own solo art exhibition in Taipei. The opportunity was given by an artist friend. I wrote a portrait of 10 people I was impressed with, and displayed a series of oil paintings. It resembled my life 10 years ago — — — when I was in Hong Kong at 20, hectic and lost.

At the same time, I started using dating apps — — — I wanted to know how it feels like to be loved, no matter how people judged me or what they told me. I met some guys, and fell hard. But it also made me realize that, there are truly some people who love and appreciate and cherish me. Even though the way we love each other was different.

All these very short encounters — — — -I experienced unforgettable intimacy, fatal physical attraction, and interesting conversations — — — make me believe that I deserve a good relationship as well.

Now I am working in Hsinchu at a research center, the city where I attended university 11 years ago.

It was hard in the very beginning for me to socialize with colleagues, and to not be afraid of asking questions, or not being afraid of being regarded as “not qualified enough”. But one day I told myself, nobody really cares. Just do it. And I am still working on it, the courage of believing “I can do it” at work.

Other than that, I did meet guys at work. The second day I arrived at work, I randomly talked to a handsome guy at a cantine, and we realized that we went to the same university in Germany and even stayed at the same dorm.

So we went for coffee. And I thought it was just showing him around Taiwan, a friendly gesture to foreign visitors. But that became a weekly ritual — — — going to different places, trying out new food, talking about our lives at home.

At the end of his stay in Taiwan, he told me he liked me. I feel the same too. He stayed overnight. The night before his flight, we went to watch “Deadpool and the Wolverine” together.

I don’t know if it was a date. I only knew it might be the last time I saw him.

It surely hurt, but simply thinking about how much effort he made to see me, makes me realize that, I could just be myself, and there will still be people who think I am nice, beautiful, smart. That makes me so grateful and liberated. And whoever loves me will love me and doesn’t care about my body shape, wrinkles, age. He is 24, and I am about to turn 31.

So that’s my life so far. :) A new job, a new open position for a partner, and planning to publish a book on my thirty. :)

How are you? How is your brother?