Love, we did our best

I opened WhatsApp this morning, Desmond said he’ll try to put me in contact with UN professionals so that I could be an intern to get to MIT. And then I saw your voice message. You sent me voice messages, saying that you were sorry, you were sorry you overslept. That you didn’t arrive at the train station on time to see me before I left because of your insomnia. Of course I knew that. You apologized too many times. I already said it’s alright. Because I have my own issues too.

Camino de San Diego is on my bucket list too. I should have been there when I was living in Barcelona. It’s a semi-promise to myself, that one day I will go there. To simply meet people, to simply smile and live and eat and sleep.

But I wasn’t aware of that, that you remembered me for so long even after years. I just hated that you mentioned this. Because it hurts. I am very very grateful that you kept encouraing me to pursue relationships, to ask Cedric out, to confront the societal inequality. But I hated that you said you were sorry.

No, you shouldn’t be. You helped me this far. We just happened to have different life plans. That’s all.

But you voice messages crashed me hard. I cried. I felt lost. I couldnt’ concentrate on coding. I thought I’d just give up. Just like I gave up everything before it’s almost done. I didn’t finish PhD. I didn’t protect the girls I should have. I didn’t do my best. Or maybe I just ran out of energy.

I think there’s something stitching on my heart. I don’t know what that is.