The art of Rivalry

I did not, never thought, that I might meet someone in Basel. Someone, specifically, in a romantic relationship. Whenever I feel lost, I would imagine myself at 40 years-old standing by my side smiling at the me now. I was on the edge of blocking out the contact because I did not know if this is a single-sided affection.

I never was. Or I tried my best not to be in a relationship. Partially because I want to control everything, either 0 % or 100 %. Either it is something that I have influence over, or it is something that I completely give up on. Perhaps because I just have to take care of everything for myself so far. Before I left Switzerland I just really wanted to see you again, I did not understand why someone would tell me at first place being in bed with Tiago’s previous flatmate, and yet you kept great physical distance with me. I was just wondering how you made it to have friends of benefits? Or that you came to Bern with your ex-girlfriend. What happened? Why did you break up? Because you seemed to be still fond of her. I have never met anyone like you, and at first I thought it would be nice to wake up with someone with no commitment, judging from what I understood the first time we met. Especially with someone whose messages are like poems, so well written and carefully formulated. That is what I have always trying to achieve as well, so I am not so comfortable with Whatsapp. Because sensitive as I am, I sense that I am so easily addicted to responses. I usually used email or direct texting or Skype. I actually do not use Whatsapp, that is indeed a way to protect myself.

And that was it. Usually I just left the confession message and block the contact. That was my way of survival, or was the reason why I could keep going. And now I would love to try with you. Or tell you how vulnerable I feel. This is something new to me.

So far it was almost always me trying to understand you, take the lead, and ask questions and ask how are you, and perhaps you are avoiding something. That I cannot tell, but I feel. And it hurt me greatly. And I feel lonely in this case, because I do not even know if you’re interested in me, or in my intelligence, or you are interested in me as a friend? But it wouldn’t work out as a single-sided input. It would be consuming for me. Intelligence is fine, because out there you could have hundreds of human beings smarter than I am. I do appreciate your brilliance and wilderness and would love to keep in contact with you discussing all the interesting things in life and see from other perspective. But I have my pride. And I like you so much that I was able to surpass my pride and reach out to you, asking you out. The reason why I could be so flexible was because someone gave me his number on the train, helping me sorting out the traffic.

Let’s make this clear, because then I could never get this out from my mind. I imagine that in whatever relationships, it is always a give and take, and never accurately and precisely equal. The art of rivalry.