two weeks of life fragments
#Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage
We’ll start from gray color. Because gray isn’t the warmest color, but it’s genuine and truthful, which might not always be that enchanting . The idea comes from Murakami’s novel, where the protagonist realised that he was isolated simply because he was too easy-going one amongst his friends to be blacklisted.
Now, come back to image itself. Image doesn’t help to absorb information, it’s partially due to business manipulation to make public believe that it does. So I’m gonna use Pantone colors, and write long long articles.
Right before I left VilaNova for Barcelona, I met a Scottish journalist and local musicians and artists. We talked about the museums and the history of Schotland, Catalan, and then Taiwan. League of losers, so they said.
But museums were something else. We weren’t so interested in the paintings, but actually in their description: who donated them, what inspired the artist, in what year was it created.
Today the colour is lead crystal, defined by Pantone.
Lead doesn’t lead. It pollutes.
Yesterday you got frustrated at using smartphone, you couldn’t find the text message button. So you switched to Nokia. The world suddenly quiet down. You as well.
Nicole Krause’s latest book, “how to be a man”, is fragmented into 7 episodes. There’s a scene in a boarding school in Basel. Oh, there. You were once there. When the thick book is translated into Mandarin, it becomes a pocket book. And Nicole’s visage, after divorce, looks so fragile. I couldn’t relate her to the person who wrote “the great house.”
Last week you visited your hogh school history teacher. At 12, you finished Ian McEwan’s books, E.S. Eliot, and Thoreau’s.
You were sent to national campaign for essay composition. You won the prize, shook some VIP’s hands, and went back home. Life continued.
At 16, your history teacher assigned a special homework — -forget about exams. Present a project about an event in history that you’re interested in.
So you chose Che Guevara, the motorcycle’ dairies. And you read about liberal democrats and politics and philosophy. So you were once again selected by ministry of education to attend a social science camp, where you were grouped with geniusese and attended college lectures — — they were talking about esthetics amd morality, or Nietzsche, or
Dostoevsky. You felt so ignorant.
Your high school teacher walked with you to the train station, “it’s not easy to maintain a relationship like this for 15 years.”
“And you came to see me, because you want to hear something different, you’re tired of the clichés and ideas of settling down. Am I right?”
You nodded. Awkwardly. She is only 10 years elder than you.
“So tell me, what does success mean to you?”
“Doing something meaningful, living healthily , and made sure that my ashes to my ashes. That I’m not causing the earth more burden.”
“And how far are you from that?”
“I think……I don’t know. “
“But I don’t need much, I imagine myself living in a cottage, close to the forest and a river, and my partner and I have our own studio for doing whatever interesting stuff.”
She laughed. “Cute.”
Today the colour is dark gray. I think you’ll agree.
This is a story about a boy and a girl. But nothing romantic.
The last time we talked, was you taking me to the Godmother’s place, and we argued. I knew that I was a trouble to you, because each time you had to use almost all your resources to save me. And your partner got irritated. You called me “a middle-sized trouble”: Not too overwhelmed to handle, but not easy either.
We were elementary school classmates. I went to your father’s clinic, and he’d ask me so many questions about you at school.
I didn’t know it was a hard time for you back then. Your father had constant affairs , as you later told me. And your elder sister protected you from knowing that. All I knew was that you’re so handsome, so smart, so gentile yet naughty.
Your first girlfriend turned out to be my classmate too. Both in elementary school and in junior high school, she saved me so many times simply by standing aside me. I was bullied by the teacher, and the rich kids.
Later on you got to the best medical school, of course, with an IQ of 144. And you realized you are gay. When I was in Brussels and your partner was studying in London, we finally reunited, and I was “unconditionally accepting who you were.”
And my situation went worse, I got panic attacks, and bipolar syndromes, and borderline personality disorders…..you name it.
You decided to go for psychiatry specialization. You never missed my phone calls when my panic attacks happened.
And you arranged your place for me so I could stay during quarantine when quitting from Switzerland — — -that was your order — — come back, you were worried I might suicide.
And you got angry at me, because I easily blocked people, or refused to accept my emotions, or worst, just disappeared.
“Do you know how sad he/she would be if you just disappear or block them?”
“No, I don’t. Because that’s how I was treated.”
Il n’y a pas d’ami mais moment d’amitié.
You refuted, and didn’t understand. I know, because you’ve never had the difficult choice deciding to leave or stay. Not to mention seeing the ones I used to be close aren’t part of my life anymore. Almost unbearable.
About today.
The color is of degree 6C.
And you are going to tell a story about a necklace from Morocco. Also gray, silver, encarved with Coran.
You were in Barcelona, and living in a city center apartment that you could never imagine yourself living in — -centery’s old, grande entrance, beautiful park just right in the neighborhood. Gaudi designed it. You were living with 3 French, one Spanish who’s half Danish.
And you always felt awkward, disoriented, appeared in places that you shouldn’t be.
One day you walked through a jewelry store. Somehow you were attracted by the atmosphere, you walked in. That’s the route you took to the art work shop or to Catalunua theatre.
The shopowner looked at you, smiled, and said, take your time.
She collects the aborigines art work around the world, because herself is aboriginal. With a Russian father and an Indian aboriginal mother, born in Argentina, she fled from the dictatorship to France ti study art, and later opened her jewelry shop.
I picked a pair of golden earring. Perhaps I always looked lost and nervous, she gave me an Arabic Muslim gift, a silver necklace with Coran as a blessing.
“Girl, I had my daughter when I was 40, and I was never with anyone. And I’m small. “
She stood up, i finally realised how little she is. “But that’s my gene, what can I do? “
“One day you’ll find your own peace of mind, darling.”
I adore when elder ladies call me this way, they seem so wise, so protective, so resourceful.
You escaped parties, because you actually didn’t like it. You embarrassed people, yourself. You preferred going to a bar, meet a stranger, write or sketch or discover something you never knew.
Nothing special, you just recalled this necklace that’s on your neck almost like forever.
You also picked a pair of earrings for Ivy, she accompanied you through the heart broken stage. The other day you saw Cedric graduate from his PhD. You took tranquilizers, but you still cried. You still like him, and he graduated, you are nobody. Worst of all, seeing his picture makes you cry.
You psychiatrist soothed you with just one magical sentence:” But you’ve got so many failed experiences. He doesn’t.”
Today the colour is gray 1C. Because I feel one symbolises something new.
C stands for mixing all the spectra of the opaque color to make the gray this gray. Turns out that one colour could be fabricated out of 20 other colors.
I am like a high school student jumping around teenager novels, and struggling with online economics and computer science. I totally forgot about job seeking — -or, I have no time for that.
By the time I submitted documents, applied for tuition fee waivers, and registered for the microeconomics course — — 3 weeks have gone by. And midterm is at the door.
I already missed two deadlines. And there’s no exemption.
But I’m still excited to learn it. Chicago and Boston stands at different economics parties. Sometimes that influences who will be the FED principal.
Well, I struggled not only with the Boston upper -class account, but also the terminologies: what do you mean by equity? Or Liquidity? And what’s the difference between a liberal person and a liberal party…….?
And what surprised me so much, is that, the math is really difficult, appromating square roots by hand — — I dare say it, because i used to be good at calculus. Not now anymore.
So I barely eat, and just binge noting as much as possible, about microeconomics.
That’s the subject dealing with my daily life. And perhaps, a math formula makes a better decision than my intuition.
Today the colour os Odessy gray. You’ll travail for a while. Travel in English comes from Travail in French, in ancient times travel wasn’t easy.
One of your references set a Skype call, to ask about details of what you did in the last 3 years, so she could properly sketch the silhouette of you, and paint a whole picture.
“I read your materials and another reference letter from the journalist. But there’s no capturing of you in real life. I want to make the letter real. Because the institute must have received a millions of geandoise letters each year. I want to talk about the real you I know.”
“So just make it short.” You looked at your notes, none of the threads could be explained in one sentence.
The first time you walked to her office with her boss, her boss suggested you collaborate d with her, because “she also has a story like yours. And you’re from the same high school.”
In the end you didn’t collaborate with them, you were then so out of shape that you couldn’t articulate well. So you’re surprised to hear her saying that you react and learn very fast.
You talked about tracing back the money, conversing with the data analyst who built the EU healthcare economics model, and the concerns and conflicts of parties you think.
But it all goes back to the people you care. You can’t bear seeing your friends as medical doctors suffered themselves from insomnia and drug addict, yourself too.
“Seems like you’re trying to save the younger version of you.”
Yes. Yes I am.
Today the colour is green gray.
Tomorrow is your mid term. You realised that, and you haven’t finished the homework yet. Great. CST to whatever timezone I am, I always got confused.
And you felt asleep. Sound. Sound. Sound.
You thought of visiting your late grandparents, you never said hi to them after they passed away. So you told your dad, you wanted to go to the cemetery to say hi.
Your father is quiet. He is addicted to computera for as long as you could remember. He lacks confidence, your mom too.
You inherited from him the severe insomnia and lack of confidence, perhaps panic attacks as well. He never told. But doctors tell. And you tried hard to calibrate the features.
Grandpa’s fruit trees keep growing. Your dad and uncle just got retired and became a farmer, picked up the farm where your grandpa left off, and worked on them.
There are avocados, oranges, tomatoes, guavas, pomelos.
As if he was still there.
And maybe he is. That’s why today the colour is green gray. I very much like this colour. A circle of the end and beginning.
Today the colour is barefoot gray.
Day 11.
Do you know that, greeting politely actually causes side effects, such as increasing green house effect?
You have to stop your thinking thread, and pose a smiley faces even though you don’t want to, snd say hi according to who the person is, and then come back to your own work. That’s waste of energy. Plus, smile produces CO2, which leads to earth’s total CO2 increasing. So I don’t socialise. Because i have to spend 20minutes back thinking about what I just did before being greeted. No, I look down on the ground walking, pretending I didn’t see anyone, and come back to my own space as quickly as possible.
That makes so much sense.
Just like, I’m finally starting to date someone, stamped, bucket list checked that I’ve accomplished this task, and move to the next item.
Today the colour is Lilac gray. The purple gray.
Counter-in-tuitive.
You like Bob Dylan, but you like his son as an artist more.
You thought you’re very shy, the others don’t think so.
You went to elite schools, and it took you years to finally stop comparing with your classmates, and believe that appreciation is a more beautiful idea. But you’re from that.
But still, you can never comfortably articulate in front of the others the very real thoughts. You learnt to be silent, you learnt to put on different personas. And that’s when you feel saddest. So someone told you that purple is the colour of courage.
Ao you told yourself, why not make a dress of purple? You found a taylored designer, and you went to the texture shop to choose texture by yourself. And choose buttons by yourself. Every detail almost tailored design by yourself as well.
The other day, your friend texted you, saying she doesn’t want you to go back to the engineering life. I just truly believe you deserve a beautiful life. Because she saw her date suffering from work as I did.
What a beautiful day.
Today the colour is morning green.
You never dated. Because you were always moving, you were always doing something.
This time you were so desperate for jobs, just like anytime. And economics makes you feel even worse — — you took MIT’s economics course, and it somehow proved that all in all, you’re a loser.
And for a career, you have a principal: i can be your employee, I won’t lower my price, because I value my time. And as a boss, you have to show me why you could be my boss. In Chinese, there’s a phrase that goes: bow down for money for living. But I’m too old to bow anyone that do not deserve my respect.
I guess that’s why your career has never been great, you don’t compromise.
Last time you skyped with a friend in the Netherlands. Her boyfriend said,
“May I ask why you’re always single?”
I smiled, thinking somehow it’s just the society that makes people feel they need to be accompanied to be complete.
He said genuinely to me ,”you’re beautiful, smart, kind, and nice. Don’t ever lower down your standards.”
I think of Peter. That’s another story.
Thanks for even proposing to reach out to the HR for reference, because I am desperate for “a stable life.” And I look forward to seeing you again.
But I think i just did badly in the interview, OMG my German…..I struggled.
I sometimes wish I have your dual nationalities. That way I don’t have to go through so many barriers just to arrive at where you are.
Lately you opened dating apps to see what kinds of people are out there, after 30 minutes you quit. You can’t tell if he’s ok or not. Field research done.
And a transparent gray.
Oh Peter! I need you to help me!
Somehow I got an interview yesterday in Peter’s company. I just don’t feel comfortable telling the golden shiny guys how I’ve been these years.
I messaged John in Korea first,he immediately searched for his IG and fb, then gave me Pete’s fb. I found Peter’s email, and I emailed him.
Just ten minutes later he replied. And told me to tell the HR to call him tomorrow.
“Oh yay, then we could have lunch together!”
“ Well, it’s just one interview. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“I know, but chances are there.”
I couldn’t stop help but thinking, oh boy, thanks.
The bewildering youth where 700 exchange students from around the world, met each other at one’s most beautiful age at Hong Kong. The elucive affections, fast-heart-beat-crushes and non-binary sexual orientation, and civil rights engagement. We were living in our own world. But then came out of it.
From 21years old to 30 years old. 9 years after Hong Kong exchange.
